My Dear Ex-Lover
My dear ex-lover,
If you are reading these lines, it means you have opened the envelope I hid under your bed before I left this country. It’s impossible for me to know how much time will have passed when your fingers find this letter. Ten years? Five months? One day?
I want to you know that, when I picked up this paper and pencil, I didn’t know how much I would write. Who knows, maybe when it ends, it’ll be longer than the folder containing our previous letters I sent you along with this envelope. I don’t know. I might not be able to describe our relationship, which you counted to have lasted for 45 days and I for years, so briefly.
I have made a discovery! This is why I’m writing to you. I have found the reason why I was in love with you and came back to you every time you embarrassed me since the day we met. It’s called love. But I also realized that destiny sent me to heal you at the cost of my suffering.
My love, people are impassioned when their hearts are entwined. You both stimulated and doused my passion and so did I to you. And, whatever’s left in your mind about me, we learned something or on the contrary we destroyed that concept of love in which we believed so blindly.
At the price of my aching soul, you now have to learn to trust people.
It wasn’t fate that you found me. You didn’t steal this worn-out woman’s heart coincidentally. You needed me – I came, I tore myself apart for you, I loved you unconditionally.
If you could take one step – if only you could take just one step ahead, you would be forgiven for saying “you look as if you could give up on this love any second”.
You pushed me away and I came back to you. I waited for months for you to become a man that I could trust.
You know, for months you looked for the proof so you could believe “I loved you”. Ask yourself why I was always there with you.
How can you be both the executioner and the executed Ali ?
Aren’t you tired of being both a gentleman and a beast, both the lover and the enemy?
There was no reason for what you did to hurt me. You hurt me! While I came to you open-hearted to everything except being humiliated, even dying as I held you, pure and completely naked.
Of course I still carried old heartbreaks and grieves with me ! Who doesn’t? I threw them all away, buried them in the past. There was only you, I believed that you were “different than the others”. You were my hero!
You were going to be my lover, my confidant, my joy of life. You would protect me, nobody could hurt me anymore.
As I tried to take shelter in in your arms , instead of protectng me under your wings, you ripped me from your heart and discarded me. I hid inside myself to protect myself from you.
Every time I came to you believing that I misunderstood you.
In the course of time, there certainly must have been other women in your life. If even one of them is still in your life, I will consider I passed the test and so did you.
Ali, you don’t have to be perfect. Nobody is perfect.
It would have been enough if you had learned to trust and how to control your anger. God sent me to you for this for a year.
I was your litmus test and I was torn. And you, as my final test, taught me how to believe in love even if you were cruel to me.
I didn’t say a single bad word about you. You were the man I loved.
It wasn’t just me – you even doubted whether my friends, my family or anybody really loved you. Why? Do you believe that you’re not worthy of being loved?
When we broke up, at first nobody could stop the feelings in my bleeding heart. I used to sleep with your name in my dreams and your name used to be the first thing in my mind when I woke up. I could never figure out why you said those mean and upsetting words so easily. You got upset after saying them too. I knew you did, but you never tried to control yourself.
Every time, you used to find relief in humiliating me, regret it after 3 days and start insulting me again.
Yes, my friends stopped liking you after what you did to me. They couldn’t stop my tears after you called me “a whore, a hypocrite, an excuse for a woman”. They didn’t like you – the man who put tears into my eyes – any more.
I kept on loving you because our test wasn’t over and hoped that the “strong Ali” in you would take over. You could do it. You were strong. Stronger than the beast in you.
I waited for Ali, who considered my tears as gossip and my family troubles as complaints, to eventually learn to love without “shedding blood” .
Zero! We both failed Ali … I failed in patience and you failed in anger tests.
Ali, how can you stay friends with people you left behind?
I’m not estranged to you. Don’t ever put my picture into the same album with your ex-girlfriends! I just tried to understand why our roads crossed just at that stormy period of life. Admit that I put a lot of effort into you.
What’s done is done. We will never see each other again, anyway.
I begged God not to see you again if I had the chance of another lifetime. You were right! You were right when you said “no woman with pride would take all my insults in our last fight”.
What destroyed my pride and made us start all over again were the trap-doors of love you placed in your heart. Those doors were opened by the sweet talking, rational Ali who told me to ‘Come in, we’ll be more careful about our relationship’. I believed it, came back and lost my pride.
Even your promises couldn’t attain to being “the good Ali” for you didn’t remove the collected hate belonging to the old victims inside you. But I believed in you. I lost my pride for believing in you.
Don’t be mad at me. Just read.
Do you know that there’s a strong formula in life’s energy. It goes “ The strongest side of a living thing is actually its weakest.” My weakness was my love for people. A mankind in which I always believed there was an angel, despite everything, despite all the evil.
You, my most beloved, hurt me and scarred my weakest side. You scarred me deeply.
My love, I relentlessly kept believing that you were a good person at heart even though you kept on drilling holes in my strong faith in you. Your insults didn’t stop me, I didn’t mind you acting as if I was nothing, unimportant and ignoring my wishes.
You found my weakest spot and destroyed me. As if it wasn’t enough, you did your best to make everyone spit on my body after you had killed my soul.
I couldn’t hurt you because my strongest side, my love, always reminded me not to hurt the ones you love.
You owe my love for you, in spite of you, to my strongest side which you ripped apart.
Just as a nightingale’s strongest side is its voice. Isn’t it that strongest side which helps the hunters to find it ? Unfortunately, a nightingale’s strongest and weakest spot is its voice.
I’m not writing all these lines to talk about your strengths or weaknesses ! I know there’s a feisty and easily misunderstood side to you. No matter what I do, I can’t make you believe that these words that I write are sincere. I am now a woman who’s tired of fighting with your prejudices. Anyway, it’s not important any more. Would you be surprised if I wished all the best for you ?
I dearly hope your life starts changing when you find this envelope. I wish that you find a woman who deserves you and who you are worthy of. You have no idea of how deeply I want this to come true.
Then, all the women in your album who curse your name won’t have lived for nothing.
I had heartaches, yes ! Don’t we all have betrayals of love in our past?
Everyone starts their relationships believing that “this is the right person” and all of them have broken love stories buried in their past. They have probably been scarred by a man like you.
Oh! And Ali! How many betrayals have there been in your life? How many women’s souls have you ripped apart? How many hearts have you crippled? How many women’s joys of life have you blackened ?
Well! Let me not talk just about broken memories.
Even if we know that we are fooling ourselves, I want to those dreams of us which you said had happened “in 45 days” to be in this letter.
Do you want to know a secret ?
When I met you, a warm feeling of desire started running inside me. It woke me up every day and told me that “life was flowing”. It held my hand and took me to places I had never been to.
I bought myself the sexy underwear. Then, that deep desire held my hand again and took me to stores where I could find the clothes and perfumes you liked. It made me take out photos from my youth which I hadn’t had time to look at for years because of work! “Be like this again” they said. I slept with my make-up on for months so that you wouldn’t see how short my eyelashes were. Funny, isn’t it ?
We were supposed to win the lottery. We believed it so badly. First we would buy that big house and share our hearts with an orphan and call it our own. We were supposed to travel the world together.
How beautiful it would be if we had a picture of us hugging each other while the sun set on the rocks in Sardinia before your fingers touched this very letter you are holding in your hand? Wouldn’t it?
We could dip our feet into the sea off a pier, clink our beer bottles together and listen to the echo coming back from the mountains across from us.
I could look at you, look right into the eyes that I’ve known for hundreds of years and say “I love you”. And you could burn my forehead with a nice and soft kiss. Reflection of the moonlight on the sea could lighten our faces.
We could take glider lessons, drink coffee in a sidewalk bistro in Vienna and feed the sparrows with little pieces of cookie.
As the snowflakes floated through the blizzard, we could be in a relaxing chalet, turn off the lights and make love as the light of the orange flames from the fireplace dance on our faces and laugh. If only this scene was what was left of us.
That sunny autumn day, having a picnic, lying on a blanket with me using your lap as a pillow once in a while!
I wish we could go on a picnic where we could roll on the grass and I could lie down on a blanket and lay my head upon your knees on the sunniest day of the fall, just for once !
I wish we could change the dirt in the flowerpots and rearrange our furniture together whenever we’re bored. I wish we could leave little notes on the pillows that say “reserved” for every night that we spent together, and me get jealous even when the water takes away your hair from the bathtub.
If only two of us could be “the first in the world”.
Romances start with love and end with fights but if only we could start with fights and end up with each other!…
You could take me to Malaysia on one of your business trips.
On the pink roads made wet by the monsoon, we could go down to the beach through tangerine trees.
If only we could go into the sea and I could watch that sweet curl of hair on your forehead getting washed in the sweet water.
We could dance at those parties where colored lightbulbs are strung all around, get drunk and lay ourselves on the sand. You would take me in your arms and our eyes could catch a shooting star, making the same wish.
You could protect me from everything, I could get excited even as I was preparing your favorite salad.
But you never liked what I prepared for you did you ?
Never mind ! I loved your attentiveness, intelligence and the way you held me in your arms when we made love. Remember that when a woman comes to you, she’s there to trust, ok? There will be many other women in your life. I hope that you ego allows you to make peace with them.
Who knows how many more women will come into your life? I hope for a respite between them to allow for your ego.
Believe me, no love is a lie from the beginning to the end. There has to be a little bit of fairy dust spread around.
I think there’s nothing left to write. I must tell before I finish – I loved that necklace you bought for me so much. It was so touching that you got mad at me for having to leave the greatest gift in my life in the drawer when we broke up.
I was scared that you’d say “Why are you taking it with you ?” because I couldn’t predict what you would do. I hope it sparkles on a body that deserves it. However, you should know that I would be the happiest person alive to wear it round my neck. You know that in Egypt they bury the dead with their possessions. I wish that they could lay me to my eternal sleep with that necklace.
And this is all, my love.
This all, my Ali.
This is all of the only precious love of my love.
This is all of my love who said “ We can’t be lovers but I would like to see you as a friend.”
Ex-lovers can’t be friends. They should be friends first so that later they can be lovers.
I don’t need to tell now that after we broke up, I sweated, cried and prayed for you for months, just like a heroin addict strapped to a bed in a cell until the heroin craving was over. We are separate now. Forever.
Well, what if you knew. Everything’s valuable at the right time.
When the moment is over, all we can say is “if only” and it means nothing. Regret brings nothing back.
In the envelope, you will find everything we wrote to each other.
Don’t mind my tears on the paper and the words in red pencil. The moment has gone. I’m sending them just for you to know. So that you can remember what you managed to do with each line you wrote, each hurtful word you said.
I used to talk to myself so much in those days…
I have these red lines that I didn’t send you, just like you have e-mails that you didn’t send me.
We learned so much from each other didn’t we ?
My Ali – life is the waves hitting the shore from time to time as you walk on the rocks. When they hit you, they take your breath away, salt burns your eyes, your body freezes and you come back to your senses. You wash yourself, dry yourself and don’t stop standing on those rocks.
I gave up. After all, we all part at some point.
I loved you so much, so dearly. I wish you had been worth it.